The Death of Conrad Ecklie
by Kansas42
Summary: Oh, the usual fun. Ecklie is murdered, the CSI's investigate, everyone mocks Sophia . . .nothing really deep and serious.
1. The Murder

Off: Okay, so this is my parody story that I had to write because you've got to take a break from angst sometime, so I took one and then some. Spoilers are up to pretty much everything ever covered. Oh, and this is a PG 13 fic but there will be some violence, language, and partial nudity cause you can't have a parody without that. Anyway, here goes.

"The Murder"

I.

It was a dark and stormy night.

Conrad Ecklie stalked through the halls of the lab, snooping around to see if anyone was doing anything that could possibly be considered inappropriate. Unfortunately for him, everyone seemed to be doing things in the correct manner, leaving Ecklie feeling unfulfilled and disappointed. It wasn't a good night unless he could bitch at somebody for dumb reasons. What was the point of being a boss if you didn't get to exercise your right to be an asshole?

Ecklie stomped back off to his office to sulk. Nobody respected him. Nobody cared. Nobody thought of him as an important character, worthy of depth, deserving some personal angst. "Well, that is going to change, my friends," Ecklie gloated to himself as he rocked backed in his chair and rubbed his hands together in an evil, snarky fashion. "I disappeared for a couple of years into television oblivion but now I'm back and with a vengeance! I'm going to get rid of Grissom. I'm going to get rid of Sara. I'm going to break the sanity of all of the other CSI's and transform Catherine into my personal bitch, doing everything I want, whenever I want! It'll be perfect. Muahahahahaha!"

Ecklie was so involved in his evil laughter that he didn't hear the footsteps behind him, nor the sound of the gun cocking. Finally, after a few minutes of standing there while Ecklie worked on perfecting his evil laugh, the intruder got bored and stamped their foot loudly. Ecklie turned around in his chair to see the intruder's gun in his face.

"YOU!" Ecklie said.

"Yes," the intruder said, "me. Goodbye, Ecklie."

The gunshot sounded.

II.

Ecklie wasn't found until the next morning because no one cared enough to check earlier, even though several people had heard the gunshot fire from his office. Ecklie's body was lying on the floor by his desk, a bullet hole directly in the center of his forehead.

Grissom walked in with his kit in hand. He looked impassively at Ecklie's body with one raised eyebrow.

Sara followed Grissom into the office and stared at Ecklie. "So someone finally shot him."

Grissom now raised his other eyebrow. "The question is. . .who?"

The audience rolled their eyes at this lame punch line as The Who kicked in before anybody could throw tomatoes at Grissom and his less than stellar puns.


	2. The Annoying Note and The Autopsy

and now back to our amazing murder mystery-

I.

Grissom and Catherine went down to the morgue while Sara and Nick looked for evidence in Ecklie's office. Greg and Warrick, with virtually nothing to do and annoyed at their lack of screen time, started dancing around the lab to show off Warrick's muscled arms and Greg's new blue hair. Eventually this got old and they decided to go bowling.

Sofia, also annoyed about her utter absence from getting any fun, tried to go with Warrick and Greg but they denied her, telling her that she was trying to steal Grissom away from Sara and Sara had enough problems trying to get Grissom's attention as it was. Throwing in an intelligent, good looking blonde who just happens to talk to herself at crime scenes so that Grissom would be intrigued and relate her quirkiness. . .well, that was just cheap. Sofia went off to sulk in the locker room. The audience cheered.

"No murder weapon," Sara told Nick, looking around the room. "Looks like the killer took it with him."

"It's too bad he didn't clean up afterwards," Nick said. "I've got some more Ecklie-brain over here."

"Ew," Sara said. "Anything else?"

"Some fingerprints," Nick said, "and a couple of hairs. Might be probative. Then again, might not. Who cares? Ecklie's a schmuck."

"You don't have to tell me," Sara said. "He tried to get me fired."

"Yeah?" Nick said. "Well, he tried to get me arrested for _murder_."

Sara paused. "Yeah," she said, "you win." She looked under Ecklie's desk and was surprised to see a piece of paper lying on the ground. "Hey, Nick," she called to him. "Check this out."

Nick came over to stand next to her to her and looked at the paper in her hands. It read:

DEAR CSIs

I SAW THE WHOLE THING HAPPEN

I KNOW WHO KILLED ECKLIE

THE SCHMUCK 

IT WAS ONE OF YOUR OWN

ONE OF YOU WHO WORK IN THE LAB-YOU KILLED ECKLIE

I SAW IT ALL

END OF NOTE

Nick looked at Sara. "You notice how this guy completely didn't use periods or commas or anything?

"Yeah," Sara said. "He's obviously not very smart. So, we have a witness. One who prefers to remain anonymous and write dumb letters in a supposedly threatening manner."

"Or," Nick said, "the murderer is trying to throw us off track."

"That's possible," Sara admitted, "but the killer probably is one of us."

"Why do you say that?" Nick asked.

"Well, think about it," Sara said. "Everybody in this building wanted to kill Ecklie for one reason or another. We all have easy access to this location. We all have guns. It would only make sense for one of us to be the killer. Besides, it wouldn't be a very effective parody if some random strange just decided to kill Ecklie for no apparent reason at all, would it?"

"True," Nick said and stroked his chin speculatively, which would probably have made him look more intelligent if he had a beard or, you know, _hair_. "Well, there's no avoiding it. The sender of the annoying note is right. One of us killed Ecklie. It could have been anyone of us."

Nick and Sara looked around, paranoid, while Greg popped up to say, "Da da DUM!" and went back to bowling.

II.

Meanwhile, in the morgue, Grissom, Catherine, and Doc Robbins stood looking at the dead body of Conrad Ecklie.

"It's a shame," Doc Robbins said. "A terrible shame. I'd have paid good money to see it happen. Oh well. Entry hole is in the middle of the forehead; no exit hole. Shooter couldn't have been very far away from him. The bullet was lodged in what you might call Ecklie's brain. I've retrieved it for you."

"I might keep it as a souvenir," Grissom said thoughtfully. "I don't think I have a bullet that killed my dickhead boss yet."

"Screw that," Catherine said. "We should put it on E-Bay."

"Hmm," Grissom said. He looked at the doc. "Anything else?"

"One other thing," Doc said. "I don't know if it's probative. . .which means everyone pay attention, this is the KEY TO THE ENTIRE MYSTERY because anytime I say 'not sure if it's probative' it always, always is. . .but there is a small smudge of green dye on his right forearm. That's all."

"Hmmm," Grissom said again. "Now we're ready for the next step."

"Get Chinese?" Catherine asked.

"No," Grissom said. "Now we have to analyze the evidence that Nick and Sara found, as well as interview suspects. With every piece of evidence, we're one step closer to the killer."

"Da da DUM!" Greg and Warrick sang suddenly, popping out of nowhere, and promptly running away again.


	3. The Evidence from Ballistics Bobby

Nick and Grissom met up at the ballistics lab. Nick, still giving paranoid glances wherever he went, looked at Bobby suspiciously.

"What?" Bobby asked.

"It could be you," Nick said ominously.

"I ain't done anything," Bobby said. "Except check out the bullet y'all sent over."

"Don't deny it," Nick said, "and stop stressing your Southern accent like that. I was the ORIGINAL Southern boy around here. You're just a copycat."

"Why can't there be two Southern guys?" Bobby asked, confused. Nick pierced him with a scathing look.

"Don't you know anything?' Nick asked. "Two is not company in Vegas, Bobby, it's a crowd. You can't have two of anything without having tension. Greg and Hodges both had to compete for best lab geek and they hate each other. Grissom and Ecklie were both supervisors and they hated each other. Catherine and Sara were both potential love interests for Grissom, so they hate each other. Are you seeing how this is working?"

"I thought Grissom had three girls," Bobby said.

"Yeah, well, since Catherine and Warrick started making googly eyes at each other in the beginning of this season, the producers had to throw in yet ANOTHER girl to give Sara more strife, as if she needs it. I swear to God, everybody gets angst in this season but me. Where are my cool traumas? Where are my complex love affairs? I'm twenty years younger than Grissom and I still don't get any women! Do you know I haven't had a decent angst episode since The Stalker?"

"Enough, Nick," Grissom said. "The plot needs to move on. Bobby, what did you find out about that bullet?"

"Just whose gun it came from," Bobby said. "I ran a comparison against everybody's in the lab. I found a match."

There was a long, dramatic pause. Finally, Grissom said, "Today, Bobby."

"Hey, I'm trying to have a moment here," Bobby said. "Here's Nick complaining about not having any angst, and I barely get freaking dialogue! I certainly don't get any love interests, drama, or any sort of ambition to go beyond the role of Ballistics Bobby! It's not fair!"

"As fascinating as all of that is, Bobby, I don't really care," Grissom said, and Nick stuck his tongue out at Bobby behind Grissom's back. Bobby heaved a dramatic sigh.

"All right," Bobby said. "This is it. The bullet that killed Ecklie came from-"

we're sorry. We have to interrupt this program for a special news bulletin. You are in danger of reading something that the writer hasn't actually decided yet. We can't allow you to finish the scene in all good conscience. Ha-ha. Now continue with your regular scheduled programming.


	4. The Chick Fight

Off: wow, cool. Thanks for the awesome reviews. Just as a side note, I don't actually hate Sofia. I don't consider her that important. However, she is terribly easy to poke fun at. Therefore, this chapter is dedicated to my sister, who hates Sofia with a fiery passion, as I'm sure many of you do. Oh, and this one's a bit longer than the rest. Just to let you know.

"The Chick Fight"

The audience booed dramatically as the show began again with Catherine and Sara in the lab, finding out about the fingerprints that had been found in Ecklie's office. Grissom, Nick, and Ballistics Bobby were nowhere in sight and the audience was not happy about this total lack of resolve with the hidden identity of the killer's gun. They were all ready to start throwing lettuce and turnips and whatever other vegetables they could find when the director popped in quickly.

"We promise this will be good," he swore while dodging a mean looking carrot. "We're going to have a chick fight, people! Chick fight!"

The audience went 'ooooh' and calmed down. Meanwhile, Catherine was looking over Sara's shoulder as they searched the database for the fingerprint they had found. A match came up and they both looked at it in surprise.

The fingerprint matched to a one Sara Sidle.

"That can't be," Sara said. "I haven't been in Ecklie's office in weeks. I should know, because every time I get called in there, it's pretty memorable."

Catherine glared at Sara in the bitchiest way possible. "You must have left the print while collecting."

"The hell I did! You just want to pin this on me because I'm an easy scapegoat. You want me out of the way, just so you can be the only girl around again. Well, you know what? The HELL with you! _I _am not the one who blew up the lab! If anyone should go down for Ecklie's murder, it should be you!"

"Well, I'm not the one who was too incompetent to solve Eddie's murder," Catherine snapped back.

"Who really gives a shit about Eddie?" Sara said. "And, by the way, you were really bitchy that day and no one likes you! And YOU were the one who took Sam Braun's check and screwed up the case against him!"

"Well, YOU'RE the one who screws up cases when you lose perspective on EVERY battered woman case there is!"

Sara and Catherine were about a second away from attacking each other when Greg stepped in smoothly. "Hey, girls," he said. "What's the problem?"

"She was insubordinate to a supervisor!"

"Well, she started it!"

"Ladies, ladies," Greg said, his hands up in the air. "This is no way to solve your conflict. There is another way, a better way, to get past your issues and to move on."

"What?" Catherine and Sara asked together.

"MUD WRESTLING!" Greg yelled, and instantly the lab was magically transformed into a huge mud pit. Catherine and Sara crossed to opposite sides and flung off their work clothes, leaving Catherine in her sexy red bra and matching underwear, and Sara in similar black underclothes. Both women reluctantly let go of their guns and bared their teeth at each other.

"On your left!" Greg announced, now wearing a neat looking pinstriped suit and a black fedora. "Is the sexy, beautiful, best looking kitty Cat in red lingerie, ittttttttt's CATHERINE!" The Grissom/Catherine shippers in the audience roared and the Grissom/Sara shippers booed. "On you right is the deadly, beautiful, most sexy girl in black underwear that you don't want to get angry. . .ittttttt's SARA!" The audience booed and cheered again.

Greg looked at Sara and Catherine. "Rules are no killing. We've already got one dead body and we don't really need one more. Besides, you ladies are both way too beautiful to die, and it would totally ruin my fantasy in being in a Catherine-Sara sandwich! Whoa, hey, hey! Rule #2: Mud is only thrown at each other, not ME! Otherwise, have at it girls!"

Greg quickly got out of the way and Sara and Catherine leapt at each other immediately, knocking them both down into the mud. Warrick, Nick, Grissom, Brass and the Doc sat down in the audience, their eyes intent on the game.

"I got twenty on Catherine," Brass said, watching the fight. "Ric, you down?"

"I don't know," Warrick said. "That's a hard bet."

"Come on, Warrick," Nick said as the girls rolled around in the mud, pulling at each other's hair. "Never known you to not take a bet."

"Hey, you know the whole gambling thing? That was SEASONS ago! It's not my fault the writers' refuse to give me new angst. Besides, this IS a hard bet. Sara's tough, no doubt, but Catherine's also my possible, implied lovemuffin, and I don't think she'd like it too much if I betted against her."

"Yeah, whatever," Nick said. "I'LL take your bet, Brass. My money's on Sara. What about you, Doc?"

"I'm just here because the fanfiction writer feels bad that I get no play," the Doc said. "I don't actually have to bet my own money."

Nick rolled his eyes. "Grissom?"

"This is _fascinating_," Grissom said, ignoring them all. "Nicky, pass the popcorn."

Nick did and all of the men leaned back and went "ahhh" as Sara delivered a particularly nice punch, and then went "OOOH" as Catherine's top started to slide off as she dove at Sara.

Suddenly, and for no apparent reason whatsoever, a red light began flashing and an alarm started to shriek. The girls stopped fighting and Greg quickly got back into the center of things. "Ladies and gentlemen, it seems we have a new challenger! It's the one, the only, the girl everyone loves to hate (except Grissom, of course), it's the evil, dread SOFIA!"

Sofia walked out in a tight, blue bikini to a chorus of boos by everyone but Grissom.

"This is like your idea of Heaven, isn't it?" Warrick asked Grissom as Sofia stepped into the ring. "All three of your girls, in their underwear, covered in mud, fighting over you?"

"Don't be bitter because nobody's given you a girlfriend in five seasons," Grissom said, eyes still riveted on the girls.

Catherine took one look at Sophia and said, "Yeaaaah. You know, this isn't my fight. You girls have fun." She quickly retreated to where everyone else was sitting.

"I was voting for you the whole time," Nick told her.

"Shut up, Nicky," Catherine said. "I've got fifty on Sara."

Grissom finally took his eyes off the ring for about half a second. "I thought you'd be rooting for Sofia."

"I may not like Sara but I'm not stupid," Catherine said. "Sofia isn't even a main cast member yet. And everyone knows you and Sara are meant to be . . .eventually, in a decade, when the show ends and you FINALLY pull your head out of your ass."

Everybody cheered at this but were quickly quieted as Greg signaled the beginning of the fight. "I'm taking over this show," Sofia said to Sara. "Grissom's going to be my little sex toy and there's nothing you can do about it."

Grissom raised an eyebrow in interest.

"Grissom's mine, bitch," Sara replied. "I've had to work for five long years to get where I am in this relationships, which isn't very far but it's somewhere. And you are not going to come in here and just steal him away from me. Your ass is going down!"

Sofia charged and Sara and her rolled in the mud. Sara punched twice and kicked Sophia in the stomach. Sofia fell on her back and quickly rolled away to avoid Sara's body slam. Sofia stood up and grabbed Sara by the hair.

"This doesn't look good," Greg announced from the side. "This is the Evil Hair Move of Death!"

Sofia grinned evilly and suddenly flung Sara across the ring by her hair.

"Is that even physically possible?" Nick asked.

"In my experience, Nicky," Brass said, "when you have two women fueled by passion in a mud pit with only their underwear on. . .anything is possible, Nick. Anything is possible."

"This doesn't look good for Sara," Greg said, as Sara lied still, unmoving by one of the posts. "Sofia may be the one to steal Grissom's heart after all."

The audience groaned at this as Sofia walked slowly over to where Sara was laying. "I told you that you were old news," she said. "Grissom's already mine. He already asked me to dinner!"

Everybody gasped and then went silent. Slowly, Sara stood up and looked at where Grissom was sitting, his eyes frantically trying to avoid Sara's without a lot of luck.

"Hey, anyone actually interested in solving Ecklie's murder?" Grissom asked desperately.

"You asked her to DINNER?"

"Well. . ."

"GRISSOM!"

"Yes," Grissom admitted meekly. "But just because she was thinking of leaving and I was trying to comfort her."

"She was going to leave and you made her stay?" Nick asked, aghast. "Oh, man. I don't know if I can look up to you anymore."

"Hey!" Grissom said. "That's cold."

Sara turned her glare from Grissom to Sofia. The glare intensified.

"Uh-oh!" Greg announced gleefully. "I think we all know the famous Sidle Glare of Death!"

Sofia backed up from Sara but no quickly enough. Sara yelled in a true, pure Amazon queen like fury and jumped in the air, suddenly doing a Liu Kang bicycle kick in the air where she defied gravity for several minutes as she repeatedly kicked Sofia in the chest. Sara landed on her feed. Sofia went down.

"KNOCK OUT!" Greg screamed. "Sara Sidle, WINNER!"

Everybody started to cheer and rushed the mud ring, trampling over Sofia's unconscious body. "Congratulations, Sara Sidle!" Greg announced in a proper game show host fashion. "For winning the Best Imaginary Mud Bitch Fight of the Year, you win a sexy, new, red convertible, a lifetime supply of boring DNA textbooks, and the best prize of all, the passionate heart of Gil Grissom!"

Grissom walked up to Sara. "Sara," he began but she cut him off.

"We can't yet," Sara said. "We haven't finished the parody."

"What do you mean?" Grissom asked. "You won. Now we kiss. I've seen hundreds of these movies."

"Yeah, but we still have to solve Ecklie's murder," Sara said. "Other wise, the story is unfinished."

"Fuck the story," Grissom said. "I just want to kiss you."

"Not yet," Sara said, sort of enjoying this opportunity to be the dumper for once. "Murder comes first."

Everybody booed.


	5. The Second Corpse

"The Second Corpse"

After the commercial break including ads for Viagra, Trojan condoms, anti-depressants with several physical side affects but NO sexual side effects, and Cheerios, everybody was back in the lab. The lab once again looked like a lab and not like a huge mud pit.

Catherine and Sara were also clean once again and back in their normal clothes (ie, Sara was dressed normally for a woman CSI, and Catherine was wearing pants and a top specifically designed to show off her cleavage). Greg had thought there should definitely be a scene where he and the girls took a long shower together, spraying each other with bubbles and other such R rated fun, but both girls denied. "After all," Catherine said. "This is an important story. We're trying to be realistic here."

Greg had sulked but relented, as long as he got to keep the nifty pinstriped suit. He paced importantly in it now as the others stood around, watching him.

"We know Ecklie was killed," Greg said, rubbing his hands together, "and we know everybody was happy about it. We also know that later tonight we're having a post Ecklie's death party at my apartment, celebrating this lifelong dream of ours."

Everybody cheered and then got back down to business.

"The fingerprint was Sara's," Catherine said, thinking back over the evidence. "This leaves us with three options: a) Sara wasn't wearing gloves-"

"I was too!"

"B) She's the murderer, or C) Somebody else is planting evidence." Catherine looked around the room. "Any ideas?"

"Maybe it's Paul Milander," Brass said.

"Jim, he's DEAD," Grissom said. "Really, Milander's not the only guy in the world who knows how to plant fingerprints. I doubt he could come back to life just to kill Ecklie."

Brass shrugged. "Didn't I already explain last chapter how anything is possible?"

"We also found a blonde hair in Ecklie's office," Warrick said, ignoring this. "DNA isn't done with comparisons yet."

"If the hair is the killer's, than the suspects is narrowed down to Sofia, Catherine, and Greg," Nick said.

"I hope it's Sofia," Sara muttered.

"Yeah, but then Sofia would have done a good and noble thing," Warrick said. "Could you hate her as much after she bumped off Ecklie for us?"

Sara looked at Grissom. "Yes," she said flatly.

Grissom winced. "We also have the 'mysterious' note," he added. "We have no idea who wrote that. In fact, the blonde hair could be the hair of the note writer and not necessarily that of the killer."

"Hmmm," everybody said together and stroked their chins speculatively.

"And finally," Grissom said, "we have the bullet retrieved from Ecklie's brain."

"Oooh," everybody said and leaned forward.

"Bobby has analyzed the bullet and compared its striations to the bullets from all of our own guns," Grissom said. "He found a match."

Everybody went absolutely still, watching Grissom as he smirked at them his mouth shut. This went on for a few minutes until the team eventually grew annoyed with this and declared that they would hold all of Grissom's bugs hostage until he stopped playing Mr. Enigmatic and just told them what they wanted to know.

"All right," Grissom said. "The bullet came from-"

Archie burst into the room. "Hey," he said. "Sorry to interrupt at this perfectly inconvenient moment for you, but there's been ANOTHER MURDER!"

Everybody gasped. "Sofia!" Sara guessed hopefully.

"The Sheriff?" asked Catherine.

"The OLD sheriff," Warrick said. "Mobley was way more annoying than this new guy we got."

"Agreed," Catherine said and turned to Archie. "So was it him?"

"Nope," Archie said. "It's Hodges!"

Everybody cheered.


	6. The Poll and The Body

"The Poll and The Body"

I.

Hodges body was found in the Trace lab. The cadaver was mostly concealed under his desk, with the exception of one foot, which stuck awkwardly out as it wouldn't quite fit. Also under the desk was one of the lab microscopes. There was a large square indent in the back of Hodges's head that seemed to match the base of the microscope.

Sara and Warrick began to collect evidence while Greg skipped around the lab in glee. Sara picked up the microscope in one hand and looked at Warrick. "Possible murder weapon?" she asked Warrick.

"Maybe," Warrick said. "That would make it a crime of opportunity, then."

"I'm not getting any fingerprints from the micro-Greg! Your glee is ruining my concentration. Can't you go skip somewhere else?"

"I can not contain my joy!" Greg announced, still skipping. "Hodges is dead! All is right in the world again!" Sara continued to give Greg a disapproving glare, so Greg said, "C'mon, Sara! If it was Sofia under that desk, you'd be the first one to jump around in total happiness."

"Well, yeah," Sara said, "but Sofia is way, way more annoying than Hodges."

"As if!" Greg said. "Hodges was WAY more evil than Sofia!"

"All right," Warrick said then. "It's not like we're seriously trying to solve this case anyway. Everybody, step right up: it's time for the official poll of the story, maybe the most difficult choice in any CSI's life. Who really is more annoying, Hodges, or Sofia?" Warrick turned to Sara. "Still sticking with your choice, Sara?"

Sara nodded firmly. "She went to dinner with Grissom."

"Greg?"

"Dude, he's Hodges. Sofia actually helped me on a couple of cases. Hodges is just an asshole."

Warrick turned to the electronic scoreboard that had magically appeared. "One for Hodges, one for Sofia." He then turned to where Nick, Grissom, Brass, and Catherine had shown up all at once. "Nick?" he asked.

Nick thought about it. "Hodges," he said finally.

"Nick!"

"Sorry, Sara, but at least Sofia is easy on the eyes. You can't say that about Hodges."

"Traitor," Sara muttered.

"Catherine? Warrick asked.

"Sofia," Catherine said without hesitation. "If there's going to be any second woman in Grissom's life competing against Sara, it's going to be me. We haven't like each other since Day 1 and that's how it's going to stay."

"Thanks. ..I guess," Sara said.

"Brass?"

Brass shrugged. "I think Nicky spoke for me. I mean, would you have wanted to see Hodges in that mud fight today?"

Everybody imagined Hodges in a pink bra and matching thong, running in slow motion, Baywatch style, and shuddered. "Sorry, Sara," Warrick said, "but Brass just swung my vote right there."

"Thanks, Brass," Sara said sourly.

Warrick turned to Grissom. "What about you, Gris? Do I even need to ask?"

Grissom pushed up his glasses in an educated manner. "David Hodges was, in my mind, a man who need psychiatric assistance. He obviously had many pathological disorders that gave him a personality faceted by many flaws and irritating character traits. Though Sofia may have annoyed some of the viewers, she was, at least, a competent CSI with no mental disorders that I am aware of, talking to herself not withstanding. Therefore, I'd have to go with the fact that David Hodges was indeed the more annoying member of the Vegas night shift."

"Yeah, that was a clear vote for I wanted to screw Sofia," Sara said, and everybody coughed and looked away. "Funny how all the guys seemed to not be bothered by an attractive blonde."

"_Anyway_," Warrick said before anyone tried to start another fight, "back to the murder. We think that we might have the weapon but otherwise there isn't a lot to report. No fingerprints, no hair, no DNA evidence."

"There's always evidence," Grissom said and this time everybody joined in the chorus of "Dun dun DUN!"

II.

Hodge's body lied on the morgue slab. Grissom stood with the Doc looking over it.

"What can you tell me?" Grissom asked.

"Well, he didn't kill himself," the Doc said.

Grissom looked at him, puzzled. "It looks like blunt force trauma to the back of the head," Grissom said. "Why would you think it was suicide?"

"If you were Hodges, wouldn't you want to kill yourself?" the Doc asked. "Anyway, your hypothesis was correct. Cause of death was definitely blunt force trauma. Warrick showed me the microscope they found with the body and the indent is a perfect match. You've got your murder weapon."

"Hmmm," Grissom said to himself. "So, someone murders Ecklie, then Hodges. Either they're trying to get the Humanitarian of the Year award, or maybe Hodges saw Ecklie's murder. . ."

As Grissom pondered, the Doc looked directly at the camera. "We will begin italics now," he said. "This will signify a flashback. Just to let you all now." Then he too went looked at the body and began to ponder what could have happened.

Hodges went to Ecklie's office, looking smug and annoying like always. He's planning on impressing the boss by snitching on somebody, only to walk in on the murder of Ecklie. Quickly, Hodges hides, and once the killer leaves, Hodges goes into the office to leave his idiotic note because he has to show off how cool he is. He thinks he gets away scot free but the killer suspects that the note writer was Hodges, so he goes up to the trace lab, picks up a microscope, and bashes Hodges in the back of the head, killing him.

"Sorry to contradict you," Doc said. "But there are two flaws with that idea. First off, Hodges's arms and hands are bruised, indicating a struggle."

"He could have fought off his assailant," Grissom pointed out.

"Yes, but most of the wounds indicate aggression," the Doc said. "It looks like Hodges was the one to start the fight."

"But that makes no sense," Grissom said. "Why leave the note and then confront the killer. That doesn't seem in character at all."

"That's because it's not," the Doc said. "Gil, his body temperature confirms one thing: Hodges was killed about eleven o'clock last night. That puts his death BEFORE Ecklie's. Hodges couldn't have been the one to write that note. Hodges died first."

Off: I know, I know. Intense ending. Lol. Anyway, one more chap to go. Hope you like.


	7. The Confession

Last chapter up. Hope you guys like.

"The Confession"

In the conference room, Grissom, Sara, Warrick, Nick, Catherine, Greg, Sofia, Brass, and the Doc all sat in a circle, each holding a cup of Greg's Blue Hawaiian coffee. Towards the side of the table sat Bobby, Archie, and Jacqui under a big banner which read: NOT IMPORTANT TO THE STORYLINE: JUST HERE TO ENJOY THE BIG SHOWDOWN. Grissom welcomed them and then stood up.

"Well," he said to everybody, "I know who did it."

"Oooh," everybody said. Greg frantically tried to get Grissom to wear a Sherlock Holmes outfit and matching pipe before he continued but Grissom denied it.

"But," Grissom said, as everybody leaned forward to listen to the big reveal, "I must go back and explain everything that has happened before I tell you who the killer is."

"Awwwww," everybody said and leaned back, pouting.

"First, we need to deal with the blonde hair. Both the blonde hair and the bullet which was recovered traced back to one person." Grissom looked around to make sure that nothing was going to try to interrupt him as he finally revealed whose gun shot Ecklie. "The hair and the bullet both link Sofia to the crime scene."

"I knew it!" Sara yelled, exalted, and made 'gimme' gestures to Warrick, who passed her a twenty.

"But I didn't kill Ecklie!" Sofia protested, holding a bag of ice to her head and glaring at Sara.

"I know," Grissom said calmly. "Unfortunately for the real killer, Sofia's alibi is rock solid."

"What is it?" Sara asked suddenly, a definite dangerous look gleaming in her eyes.

"Ah. . .we were, um. . .that is to say. . .we had a nice dinner."

"Sort of a late dinner there Grissom."

"And then we went star gazing."

Sofia looked smugly at Sara. Warrick and Nick held Sara back to keep her from beating the shit out of Sofia again. Warrick also silently took back his twenty.

"The killer wanted us to believe that Hodges had seen Sofia kill Ecklie, and then Sofia killed Hodges."

"But that's so cool!" Nick said. "That takes care of all of them. Can't that be what happened, Grissom?"

"No," Grissom said. "Because it's not about who's more annoying or our own secret love affairs. It's about"

"The EVIDENCE, we know!" everybody said.

"Yes, the evidence," Grissom said, unperturbed. "If Sofia's alibi hadn't been proof positive, then maybe the killer could have gotten away with the murders. . .except for one other, important detail. The doc confirmed that Hodges was killed before Conrad Ecklie, not after."

"Then who killed them?" Sara asked.

"And who wrote the note?" Catherine asked.

"Someone who hated Hodges and Ecklie. Someone who wanted to change what's been happening in the lab. Someone who's devious enough to pin the murders on somebody that everyone hated."

"Sara!" Nick said.

"Catherine!" Sara said.

"Warrick!" Catherine said.

"No," Grissom said with a smile. "Greg."

Everybody looked at Greg in shock. He shrugged and waved.

"How'd you figure it out?" Greg asked Grissom.

"Logic," Grissom said. "It was easy to guess that you killed Hodges, since everybody in the universe knows how much you don't like him. But really, nobody likes him, so I couldn't be sure. Ecklie's murder, on the other hand, left two pieces of very important evidence. The first was a green smudge on Ecklie's arm that I had tested."

"The green smudge!" Warrick gasped. Everybody looked at him. "Oh, come on, guys. SOMEBODY has to pretend they forgot all about the green smudge and didn't realize it was a serious piece of evidence."

"Anyway," Grissom said, ignoring Warrick, "I had the smudge tested secretly (ie, the writer forgot to write it in the story) and found out that the smudge is actually Mambo's Crazy Green Shock Hair Dye, which turns blue in the hair of people with Norwegian decent."

Greg ran a hand through the blue hair that actually was reference in Chapter 1. "You know, that Norwegian heritage is getting to be a bit of a liability." He put on a beret and fake mustache and said with a very bad accent, "I should have been French."

"The other piece of evidence, of course, was the note."

"But I wrote that just like Hodges would have!" Greg exclaimed, forgetting about his new French accent. "It sounded perfectly smug and annoying and stupid."

"Yeah, but you forgot the apostrophe in CSI's," Nick said, slapping his hands together. "Hodges was a lot of stupid, but he was good at grammar, and everybody here knows how much you suck at spelling."

"Oh, man," Greg said. "Conviction by Norwegian roots and bad spelling. That just sucks."

"Let me see your arms," Grissom said to Greg. All the Grissom/Greg slash fanfiction fans in the audience started hooting and hollering for more skin to be shown until Grissom flashed them a contemptuous look and said, "I'm looking for evidence, you morons!" The audience piped down, disappointed, and Greg pushed back his sleeves. His arms were covered with defensive wounds."

"I don't get it, man," Warrick said. "Why?"

"Well," Greg said, and tilted his head in a thoughtful pose as everybody watched the flashback. . .which is again written in italics, though for some reason hates the writer and doesn't want to always show the italics or space or anything right. Ahhhhh!

Ahem. Back to the flashback.

Greg walked down the corridor to see if Hodges was done with the sample for his case. When he got there, Hodges immediately attacked Greg. Greg tried to defend himself.

"_What are you doing?" he asked as he tried to block Hodges' fists._

"_The writer never actually came up with a convincing reason for me to attack you. It was just necessary. Now play along," Hodges said and started strangling Greg._

_Greg, choking for breath, flailed his arms around for something useful and felt his hand clench around one of the microscopes. He swung it in his hand and hit Hodges in the back of the head with it. Hodges fell to the floor and Greg breathed deeply, wondering what to do. It was only then did he realize that Hodges wasn't moving and when he found no pulse, Greg knew he had killed Hodges._

"So, why didn't you come to us?" Grissom asked. "That would have been in self defense. You wouldn't have gone to jail."

"Yeah, but I would have gotten arrested," Greg said, "and then my career as a CSI would have been over."

"Yeah," Nick said. "That's a pretty crappy rule. We really should work on getting that fixed."

"Anyway," Greg continued, "I figured I didn't work this hard to let Hodges fuck my whole life up, and then I had a brainwave."

Greg walked down a corridor and saw Sofia and Grissom laughing while Sara stood in the corner, looking both disgruntled and weepy. A light bulb goes over Greg's head. Literally.

"I figured I could make this whole problem work to the lab's advantage," Greg said. "See, everything was screwed up in the lab because of Ecklie's stupidity and the introduction of Sofia into the team, right? So, I figured I could take out Ecklie, leave the notee, and blame both murders on Sofia."

Greg watched Grissom leave Sofia to go to his office. Sara also left, either to drink, cry, or yell at somebody incompetent. Greg walked over to talk to Sofia and while she isn't paying attention, he is amazingly sly and manages to both pluck a stray hair off her shirt, as well as switch their guns.

"So, then I went to Ecklie's office," Greg continued, "and I shot him."

"You!" Ecklie exclaimed.

"_Yes, me," Greg said, holding the gun in Ecklie's face. "Goodbye, Ecklie." He shoots the gun, quickly plants the hair, Sara's fingerprints, and the note. Then he leaves and goes to listen to Marilyn Manson._

"I figured once Sofia was arrested, Grissom and Sara could finally get together and everyone could have their happy ending," Greg said. "So, that's why I did it."

"One question," Sara said. "Why did you plant my fingerprints if you were trying to frame Sofia?"

Greg grinned. "I just HAD to see that catfight between you and Catherine. Besides, I knew Sofia would want to duke it out, and when you won, Grissom would fall in love." Greg smirked. "Just call me Mr. Cupid."

"Wait a second," Sofia interrupted. "How did you know I'd LOSE?"

Greg glanced at her contemptuously. "EVERYONE knows Sara and Grissom are destined to be," he said. "Of course you'd lose." Greg sighed. "Anyway, my plan worked. I just got caught, is all. So, if I'm going to be in jail for the rest of my life, then you two better get together." Greg glared at Grissom. "I mean it, Gris. I didn't just sacrifice my life here for you to pull some BS excuse like 'work is too important' or 'I want to be a miserable old hermit for the rest of my life'.

Grissom's eyes twinkled. "Don't worry, Greg. If Sara still loves me, we are definitely hooking up by the end of the story, otherwise the readers will hunt down the author and kill her, and she very much does not approve of this plan. But none of that means you have to sacrifice your life."

"What?" Greg asked.

"Well, your plan to frame Sofia was a good one. The forensic evidence still exists. I don't see why you can't go along with your original plan. I don't think anyone here will mind."

"WHAT!" Sofia said.

"I still get to frame Sofia?" Greg asked, excited.

"Well, unless anyone here minds. Everybody, raise your hand if you want Greg to go to jail instead of Sofia."

Sofia frantically raised her hand and started jumping up and down. Everybody ignored her.

"Right," Grissom said. "That settles it. Jim, if you'd like to arrest Sofia for the murders of Conrad Ecklie and David Hodges. . ."

"No, you don't!" Sofia screamed and leapt up quickly. Before anyone could react, Sofia had pulled Nick to her and had a gun at his head.

Nick rolled his eyes. "Not AGAIN!"

"You know, I tried to be nice to you people," Sofia said. "I was never bitchy to Sara and I helped Greg out with his evidence and I tried to be a part of the team, AND WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE DO? YOU TRY TO FRAME ME!"

"Lady, nobody cares," Warrick said. "You set your eyes on Grissom, you rivaled Sara, you had to go. That's the way it is."

"And if ANYBODY is going to be ranting right now, it's going to be ME!" Nick said. "Do you have ANY idea how many times I've had a gun pointed at me? First was Mrs. Henderson and that was plenty freaky enough, and then came Nigel Crane stalking me and holding a gun to my head, and just recently about FIFTY guys all had their guns on me, ready to shoot. So you know what? I deserve some serious angst time, maybe a little post traumatic stress, and a nice, normal not psycho girl to help me through my troubled time. What I emphatically do NOT need is another fucking gun to my head!"

"That was an excellent hissy fit, Nicky," Catherine said admiringly.

"Thanks," Nick replied.

"You're all crazy," Sofia said to them, back up. Unfortunately, she backed up right into Sara, who had snuck up behind her. "We may be crazy, but you're just a bitch," Sara said, and knocked Sofia's gun out of her hand. Sofia let go of Nick and whirled around, just in time to receive Sara's fist in her face. Sofia flew across the room and was knocked unconscious. Again.

"That's what you get for threatening my friends and trying to steal my man," Sara said.

The audience cheered.

Greg whistled and then looked at Grissom. "Are you sure, Gris? I mean, what about the evidence?"

"Fuck the evidence," Grissom said. "I've got my girl."

Nick looked to Warrick. "Uh-oh. We've just went over the edge. Our parody has lost any semblance of realism."

"You don't think that happened with the mud fight?"

"Nothing, absolutely nothing, is more unrealistic than Grissom saying 'fuck the evidence'," Nick said.

"True," Warrick said. "Oh well."

Brass went and handcuffed the unconscious Sofia. "You're under arrest," he said, "for the attempted murder of Nicholas Stokes and the murders of Conrad Ecklie and David Hodges. I'd read you your rights, but you can't hear them anyways. . ."

Brass dragged Sofia away. The Doc led all the other lab techs to the bar for a drink on No-Storyline-Characters Night. Catherine congratulated Sara for saving Nick and also left.

Warrick looked at Sara and Grissom who were giving each other starry-eyed looks, and then turned to Greg and Nick. "We better get out of here," he said. "They're going to start kissing soon."

Greg and Nick made long 'ewwwwww' noises. As soon as that was done, Greg said, "We should leave in style."

"How do suggest?" Nick asked.

"We'll, we've already gone over the edge of the completely absurd, right?" Greg asked. Warrick and Nick nodded. "Well," he said, "I suggest we fulfill one of the writer's greatest fantasies and dance our way out of here."

"Sounds good," Nick said. Warrick hit the stereo and Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" song blasted out of the speakers. Nick, Warrick, and Greg were instantly wearing black leather pants. They all stripped off their shirts and strutted out of the room, throwing their tops at fainting audience members.

Grissom looked at Sara. "So," he said, "now we're alone."

"Yup," Sara said. "Do you want to get dinner?"

Grissom looked pained and Sara laughed. "Can you wait till we get home?" she asked. "I'm not kinky enough to do it in the morgue."

"What abut the interrogation room?"

Sara raised an eyebrow. "That I could do," she said, and Grissom and Sara leaned in and finally, FINALLY kissed as trumpets sounded and angels rocked out, singing, "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts."

The End. : )

That's it. Please review if you liked it.


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